1. Did co-host Carrie Underwood really need a trillion outfit changes to showcase her bad taste?
Let’s be honest – even on a good day, Carrie’s style ranges somewhere between a Steinmart sale rack and a Toddlers & Tiaras ultimate supreme glitz pageant, but she brought a whole new level of tacky for the CMAs.  In the name of all that’s good and holy, avert your eyes:

Look, I get it. You’re a country music SUPER STAR. You gotta bring the drama, the sparkle, the big hair… Dolly Parton famously said, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.” But you, Carrie, are no Mrs. P. Ditch the Hee Haw schtick and employ a stylist that will always do you justice (not just for your admittedly faboo red carpet look) in fresh, modern numbers like these. Add a spray tan and beehive and you’re complete. Open a fashion mag from time to time. Phone a friend. Don’t blindly follow your handlers’ advice. You can do better. Good talk.

2. Two words: Lionel. Richie.
“Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?” Um, actually no. Tim McGraw or Garth Brooks maybe, but not you. Former Commodore / Nicole Richie Daddy, you are actually the last person I expected to see here. But I’m glad you are. And I’m glad to see you’re hanging with the right crowd (none of that Kenny Chesney riff raff).

The Hootie / Lionel duet was the most unexpected, best part of last night’s show, though they really should have worked on coordinating their ad lib ooh’s and ahh’s.

3. Miranda Lambert makes me happy.
Miranda is country as all get out. She’s swimming in “y’all’s” and “ma’am’s,” shotguns and camo, and certainly not subsisting on a diet of fingernails and coffee. She is true blue red.  And don’t you just know she and Blake hit up the Burger King drive thru on the way back to the Ritz to celebrate their big awards? I personally celebrate all life accomplishments (Strayer University acceptance letter and negative pregnancy tests) with a Whopper Jr., and since she’s my new best friend, I’d like to imagine she does too. But beyond her healthy body image, she seems truly sweet, can saay-aahng and breaks up concert catfights in her spare time. God bless her. Y’all give it up for my girl Mandy. Or she might be forced to come down there and kick one of y’all’s ass.  ’Cause she’d be more than obliged to, honey.

4.  Country Girls Shake It
Last night’s fly girls were ’bouty ’bout ressurecting some chair moves a la Britney Spears “Stronger” video.  For a second there I thought I’d mistakenly tuned into the MTV Music Awards…ten years ago.  I know the country crowd is a little slow to adopt change, but damn.  Bring me something original ladies!  Might I be so forward as to suggest for next year’s final dance…the Pachanga?!  Think on it.

5. That’s enough, Taylor Swift.
What the hell are you doing in a 15-year-old’s Ikea bedroom?  And why are you wearing her hot pink sweater?  What did you do with her?  Dear God woman!  You’re 21 years old.  Quit with the wide-eyed ingenue bullshit and go back to banging John Mayer.  I hear he’s quite the catch.
 

♥ Bette