The holiday season is officially in full swing folks! Sleigh bells ring, are ya’ listenin? I am, and I also hear the sound of one of my favorite holiday treasures arriving in my mailbox: Christmas correspondence (said with jazz hands)! I love getting Christmas cards in the mail and seeing pictures of everyone’s families wearing all white shirts and khakis on the beach, newborn babies that are still not quite cute yet, pets dressed up in holiday apparel looking miserable, and of course, pictures of crazy Aunt Cecile’s neck goiter (it’s even rosy like Santa’s cheeks – how festive!). Christmas letters are a basic treasure trove of joke material for assholes like me that love to taunt and ridicule innocent people. And the best part is, it’s absolutely free! But every so often you open the letter and see something inside that makes you feel like Ed McMahon just showed up at your front door with a big-ass check. That’s because you’ve just received the holy grail of Christmas mockery: The Family Newsletter (cue the boys choir that sings in every movie when they discover something amazing). The family newsletter will provide entertainment for the entire year ahead (if not years to come) with its glorified and exaggerated stories of family bliss (except for Grandma’s death and Uncle Larry’s cancer diagnosis), job promotions, the new home purchase, the newborn baby, the prize-winning pie at the church bazaar, cousin Bobby the local star quarterback, and of course all of the family’s “charitable” activities. It got me thinking about how depressing everyone’s newsletter would sound if they didn’t sugar-coat everything or just talk about the year’s highlights. Don’t the year’s lowlights, tragedies and everyday banality enjoy their moment in the sun? I think they do. That’s why I’ve decided to write my own “family” newsletter, except I’m gonna keep this shit real, y’all.
Dear Family & Friends,
It’s been a heck of a year at the Bourbon household. It’s been full of ups, downs, family and friends, and we look forward to building more memories in 2012. My, how fast this year has gone by! Why it seems like just yesterday we were ringing in the new year. Speaking of which, that seems like a great place to start our annual installment of family news.
We spent this past New Year’s Eve at a wild keg party at a friend’s house. After a few rounds of strip poker and a backyard cage fight, John took a whopping fifteen shots and threw up all over the floor and I ate some strange pills I found in the bathroom. The highlight of the night had to have been when I gave a homemade teardrop prison tattoo to one of the party guests. Our hilarious hosts even joked that we were never invited to their house again. So funny, those two. It was a jolly good time had by all!
On the career front, things are looking up! I was demoted earlier this year for watching The View reruns on the internet and talking shit about my company on Yelp. Luckily I got to keep my job, but I’ve been relegated to opening mail and cleaning toilets, so that was really great news! John lost his job after a miscommunication incident with a female employee. You know how John likes to flirt! So John has started work as an evening bartender at the local Applebee’s. Boy is he a hoot when he comes home drunk every single night of the week!
We continue to make improvements on the house. I’m loving my little DIY projects! I recently painted over the water stains on the ceiling and John even laid a tarp over the hole in the roof. We also took on the huge project of removing all of the cigarette butts from our front bushes. It’s really made a difference! We’ve received many compliments from the collections lady that comes by to give us the notice that we are about to default on our mortgage. She’s been one of many visitors to our home this year, including Ned our pot dealer, our neighbors Rick and Jenny when they come to complain about noise, and the great guys from the local sheriff’s department have made multiple visits. So lots of excitement stirring around the Bourbon house!
Many of you have been asking, but no, we aren’t quite ready to start our little family yet. We got some news from my doctor that my uterus is nonfunctional, barren and basically dead inside. So don’t expect to see babies anytime soon unless I magically gain the ability to spawn little undead babies like those Twilight kids! However, we are optimistic as John and I continue to look into other options. If we play our cards right, that Craigslist scam may just result in a new member of the Bourbon clan! But as it stands right now, our only “babies” are our two labrador retrievers, the family of raccoons in our attic, and the bedbugs that are all over every surface of our house.
John and I attended his 10 year college reunion back in August. It was really neat to catch up with all of the old alumni from his undergrad. I had an especially great time catching up with John’s old friend Greg in one of the bathroom stalls at the party. Boy can he kiss! We also took a family trip to San Francisco this year. We took in many of the hot tourist spots including Alcatraz, China Town, Ghirardellis and the Golden Gate Bridge. But every trip has its mishaps! Somehow John and I got separated in The Castro and I couldn’t find him for over 3 hours! I was so relieved when I finally found him and his new friend Roberto at a place called The Dirty Hole. Let’s just say we can’t wait to get back to San Fran, especially John!
We’ve also been involved with many charitable organizations this year. John is currently serving as the local president of NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws). They hosted their annual 4:20 Fundraiser that helps to benefit the children of drug abusers. I also volunteer teaching Mexicans how to read good. You ought to see them run every time I shout out “Emigres!” We were also lucky enough to know a guy, who knows a guy, who was able sneak our names into the Giving Tree organization this year. I’m keeping my fingers crossed we get that Xbox we’ve been dying for!
That concludes all of the news of our little Bourbon family. We sincerely hope this letter finds you healthy and happy. We also sincerely hope that you will show a gesture of goodwill and place a donation into the self-addressed stamped envelope included in this letter. We will donate it to a local charity in need because, after all, this is the season of giving. We wish you the happiest of holiday seasons.
Peace and love,
John & Joan Bourbon