It’s 3:00 on Thanksgiving day. At houses all across America, most families are sitting down to a bountiful feast and giving thanks for friends, family and all of the other blessings in their lives. At my house, it’s a drastically different story. By 3:00 (or possibly hours before that) me and the majority of my family members are three sheets to the wind and five bottles of wine deep, and only giving thanks to the fact that there’s still a few bottles left and a Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon on Bravo (nothing says Thanksgiving like fake wigs and NeNe “I’m Rich, Bitch” Leakes. Nothing). After the sixth or seventh bottle, my siblings and I have our annual “What Will I Get In The Will” argument, and top that off with a healthy group cry because we think we weren’t loved enough as children. Mom cries too, but only because she’s having an epic Thanksgiving kitchen meltdown extravaganza that’s more over-the-top and drama-filled than a Bette Midler concert.  After the gays give her a standing O and daddy administers her smelling salts, it’s finally time to eat (or “Time to feed Charles Shaw” as I like to call it). Thanks to many years of experience, I am able to muster enough composure to sit upright at the dinner table, keep at least one eye open, mumble along with the prayer and not puke on mama’s china (just a chunk or two in my mouth). Which got me thinking, I’ve really got this whole drunk Thanksgiving dinner table etiquette down to a science.  How about I share my top 20 (in no specific order) tips with all of you?  Done and done.

1. When it’s time to be seated at the table, pull the La-Z-Boy chair in from the den, sit down and exclaim to your fellow guests: “Now that’s how you do the damn thang!”
2. Show up to the dinner table in an evening gown and fur stole. Leave to make costume changes throughout the meal, making grand Sharon Stone style red carpet entrances each time you return.
3. Rearrange your place setting like you’re Rain Man and it will bother you if you don’t.  Shout out random numbers and bob back and forth for emphasis.
4. Tie your dinner napkin around your forehead and smudge cranberry sauce in a tribal pattern on your face so you look like an indian. Refuse to answer to anything other than your given indian name,  Dakota Fanning Rainstorm.
5. Run with the indian theme and threaten to scalp family members with the carving knife.  Then notify them that you were just punking them: “You just got Mayflowered, sucka!”
6. Offer to say the blessing. After everyone grabs hands and closes their eyes, bust into a dramatic rendition of “Lady in Red.”
7. Raise a toast to a celebrity like they’re your dead family member: “I’d like you all to raise your glasses to our dear Beyonce. Thanksgiving just isn’t the same without her this year, but I know she’s watching down on us and smiling.” Then smudge the fake tears from your eyes, Sasha Fierce style.
8. Forgo a wine glass and drink straight from the bottle. Don’t forget to show some respect for your fallen homies and pour one out on your Aunt June’s lap.
9. Throw a shit fit about the meal not being Vegan. Bring pictures of turkeys being slaughtered to bring home the point. Then show a picture of you shooting a turkey to fuck with their minds.
10. Talk loud and obnoxiously on your cell phone like no one can hear you: “Oh my gosh Debbie, you like, wouldn’t believe all of these LAME-ass people at our dinner table right now. Looo-serrrs. Some of them shouldn’t even be eating. One of them literally looks like a tub of lard. I’m gonna ditch this sad freakshow as soon as I can.”
11. Single out an annoying aunt, know-it-all uncle or whiny nephew and make loud noises every time they speak.
12. Fake a choking.  (spoken like a 1920′s movie producer) Cause you got the acting chops for it kiddo!!  You’re a star I tell you, a star!!!
13. Every time the whole table laughs, follow it up with a painful family subject: “Hey, remember that time Tommy died? I do.”
14. Angle yourself so you can see the Real Housewives Marathon on in the other room. Keep your eyes peeled to the TV and do quiet but loud commentary to yourself: “Oh no she didn’t. OH NO SHE DIDN’T! I’ll be damned, girlfriend just did! Bitch has got some balls! It’s about to go down yall!  Shit. Is. Goin. Dowwwwwn-uh!!!!”
15. Request to sit at the kids table and then teach them all the lyrics to “Gimmie That Nut” by Eazy-E.  Plan a parents recital for later in the evening.  Cruisin’ down the street in my six-fo’….
16. Get an awkward politics argument started by holding up a sign of your favorite political candidate and marching around the table chanting “Heck no, we won’t go!”
17. Ask everyone if they agree that Aunt Jenny has turned into a real bitch.  Then be like: “Oh, Aunt Jenny, I didn’t see you over there in the corner. My bad.” Then wink at her.
18. At the end of dinner, do the ole’ rip-the-tablecloth-off-the-table-without-moving-the-dishes magic trick.  When it doesn’t work, tell them that the ghost of dead cousin Tommy told you to do it.
19. Fake a fainting spell when you get asked to help with the dishes. Blame it on your acute congenital alcoholic fart disorder. When they call bullshit, tell them to go WebMD that shit, then make a run for it.
20. Tell your family members you got all of their Christmas presents early and then hand them ziplocs of your leftovers (preferably items with bite marks on them). Merry Christmas bitches!

Follow these easy tips and you’ll be everyone’s new hated and reviled favorite family member. You don’t have to thank me for the advice, just include me in your drunk and slurred Thanksgiving prayers this year.  Peace, Love and Beyonce.

♥ Joan