Any of you singulars out there racking your brain for some Friday night plans? We aren’t single (fellas with excellent taste…dry thine eyes) but if we were, the following is what we would be doing – and what you unattached folks should be doing – tonight. In the immortal words of our almighty Lord and savior Prince, “Let’s go crazy, let’s get nuts.”
1. Crash the tech convention at the local Embassy Suites wearing a stolen nametag that says “Cindy Smith” (and get all method by “becoming” Cindy Smith). Head over to the buffet and stuff your face with all of the mini quiches and stuffed mushrooms you can get your hands on, throwing some in your purse for later. Schmooze with the CEO’s and wow them with a pitch for your amazing invention idea: “It’s a cell phone that….wait for it…. is also a garage door opener!” Station yourself at the bar, downing bourbons and only leaving to pee. Next stop, Makeoutsville in the ice vending area with one of the cute bartenders.
2. Cover yourself in glitter and deck out in rainbow gear, and elbow your way to the front of the line at Swinging Richards. Drop it like it like it’s hot with scantily clad go-go dancers and make it rain on Pati O’Furniture, THE premiere drag queen of the South (next to Lady Chablis, of course). Attempt to belt out the karaoke version of “I’m Coming Out” and then begrudgingly admit that you are neither gay nor familiar with the lyrics – nor is it karaoke night. Thanks for nothing, Julie Newmar.
3. Assuming you own some, because doesn’t everybody? Throw on your daisy duke coochie cutters and tightest, pinkest Juicy tank, and head to the local “Coyote Ugly” watering hole to get your sexy on. When “Pour Some Sugar on Me” plays (“Shook Me All Night Long” is a nice alternative), jump up on the bar and do your best Elle Woods “Bend and Snap” for their asses. Continue to shake what your mama gave you until a bar patron sitting below points out that your tampon string has made a surprise appearance. Shame on you, Pearl girl. Shame on you.
4. Swing by your old sorority house with wine coolers and ciggies. There’s nothing those kiddos like hearing more than rambling stories about when YOU were in college and the frightful things that your old roommate did in the bed they currently sleep in. Yep, that bed right there. Tag along to a Kappa Alpha mixer and assure those sexy fratters that you are still the hottest thing going – no C-section scars AND a 401k. Boo yah!
5. Go “Gourmetin’!”. Pop in your favorite local eateries and order the most delicious thing on each menu. It may help to be drunk, stoned, or high on NoDoz. Arby’s curly fries! A Bojangles biscuit! Sonic blizzard! Burger King Whopper! Taco Bell Nachos! You get the best of everything in one round trip fast food excursion. Skip around until you can take no more deliciousness and you’ve maxed out your yearly caloric intake. Subsequent purging optional. If you want to stay single, that is.
6. Hit up the local poetry slam to tap into your artsy side; and also to tap the ass of a tortoiseshell glasses wearing, incense burning, indie rock listening alterna-babe. Bring some mini bottles to pour into your coffee, and when you’re drunk enough, bring the house down Zach Siler style with your impromptu poetry slam haiku, “Nelson Mandela. What a Fella.” Then make plans to start an indie rock band with your new boyfriend called, “Poetry Slam Haiku.”
7. Speaking of staying in shape, the “G” in “GTL” may sound miserable for a Friday night, but do you realize how many beefed up hotties go to the gym on a Friday? It’s a literal “meat” market and you don’t even have to really work out. Make it fun and get a protein chugging contest started. Offer to play DJ and get those treadmills burnin’ with some Toto songs (Does “Africa” get you jacked up like it does for me? Damn that’s my jam.) Run around spotting everyone and then leave them hanging, just for laughs. Get into intimate stretching sessions with fellow patrons and offer to sit on their sweaty backs while they do pushups. With all of the touching, sweating and groaning, it’s practically an orgy.
8. Read a book. And no, not Twilight, you illiterate whore. It’s time you graduated to some advanced shit, like every Harlequin Romance novel ever written or L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad.
9. Host a game night at your house comprised of people you just met today. John the pest control guy and Patrice the Circle K gas attendant can really kill at some charades. And I’m thinking I smell a love connection with Juan the yard guy and Mary the Waffle House cook, don’t you? Too bad Troy the construction worker that made kissy-faces at you couldn’t come. With all of his creative cat-calling skills, I bet he could really rock Balderdash’s world.
10. Slowly drive by your crappy ex-boyfriend’s house and plot ways to stealthily peer in his bedroom window or steal his dog or break his windshield or commit a brutal ambush murder. Just kidding. Lighten up, guys. You don’t have time to dwell in the past. You’re a minx on the prowl. And Troy the construction worker just texted. He’s coming over after all.
♥ Bette & Joan